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Bubba's Letter to the FAA

 

To: FAA Headquarters

Oklahoma City, OK

Howdy y'all!

This hyar's Bubba! I wana thank yall fer a-sendin thet nice FAA feller down to see me awhil bak. He was rel nice & all, but U no, yall rely awt to get thet feller luked at ... cuz he luked mity pale & perspiry when he lef hyar thet day. He sid I awta writ ta yall and "explan my actions" of last Janary ... and hyar it is Juli, so I thot I wud.

Wail, its lik this hyar. Me & Leroy was a-playin pool & dacided to galavant oer to tha big city bout 50 miles down the holler to get a stake & a cuple beers. Ya see, I got bout 8-9 hrs of serius flite trainin now. I wuz so brite tha instructer feller said he culdn't teach me nuthin nu, so I figered I wuz bout redy to go on 1 of them X-cuntry flites he keps talkin bout. So enyways, I nu bout this rel nice rest ... umm, place to eat ... over thar that surved stakes & beer, so we dacided thet wud be a gud place to fly 2. I nu thar was a rel BIG ayrport oer thar whar they landed them big ole jet airplans.

I wuz rel disap ... umm, frus ... umm, sorry ... tho when I got to tha ayrfeld thet ole J3 Cub wuzn't sitin thar lik it usuly wuz. The linboy sid they was stil a-fixin it from the las tim I flu it. But enyways, he sid the only thang they had a-flyin wuz a plane with 2 motors called a Piper Asstik. I dont no Y they call it thet cuz I thot it wuz a purdy gud airplan. I figered, shuks, they is both Pipers, so I awt to be abl to fly that thang. Havin them 2 motors is a rel gud idi. That was rel smart of Mr. Piper to figer that out. But U no whut? That thang's got so many nobs & swichs thet I had truble jus a-figerin out how to crank tha dang thang up. U'd thank Mr. Piper wud-a made it mor simpler then that ... lik he did tha old J3.  But enyways, I finly got it starded up & we tuk off  I figered Id only ned tha 1 engin wif jus me & Leroy on bord, but U no whut, that thang wuz all cokeyed on tha runway & I wuz havin truble jus a-gitin off the groun, so I figered I bedder start the uder 1 up bout haf way down tha runway. Shuks, it wuzn't climin 2 gud evun then... until I fount this nob that made the prellers bite the air bedder. It was kinda hary thar for a litl bit. Wail, I want yall to no we just mised ole rocky top mountan by the skin of tha 2 teef in ma hed!

Now, I don't wana git nobudy in truble or nuthin, but I jus gota say sumthin about thet FAA feller I called bout how the wethur was doin thet day. Shuks, he sid it was gona be "solid IFR" all the way. Sins we all no IFR stands for "I Foler Rodes, Ralroads, Rivers & Rivines", I figered tha wethur mus be gona git lots bedder. Sun as I tuk off tho, I culdn't harly see the rode cuz-a all the sno an clouds. An if thet wuzn't enuf, ice starded buildin up on them wangs. Luckly tho, I starded twistin on nobs an fount this 1 nob sid DEICER jus in the nick a tim... so I tarned it ON. All that ice likned to have knoked the tail off when it finly let go! So enyways, I figered I'd beder fly rite oer the soper hiway mos of the way thar in case I had to do one-a them murgency landins. It wuz kinda hard seeing whar I wuz a-goin, but I wuz abl to git down clos enuf to the rode to reid them big ole gren signs. Wail, we finly spoted tha EXIT to tha BIG ayrpot thru a hol in the clouds. Thas gud 2 cuz we wuz jus bout to run out-a gas! By the way, if  yall hear anythang about it, I wana say rit now that I did NOT run that litl ole lady off the road. I mised her by a gud 50 foot, I no!

So enyways, I figered I beder call thet towur feller to let him no we wuz a-cumin, but I plum fergot whut the freq ... umm, radio channul ... was oer thar at the ayrport, so I dacided to call tha tower feller on the murgency channul, wich I membered was 121.5. Ain't I gud?! Tha feller axed me did I want to declar a murgency. I said, hek no, I was havin fun, but jus a-havin a litl truble spotin the runway. Enyways, I finly caut site-a of tha blinkin lites that was leedin rite inta the runway. I wuz makin ma uproach when this big ole airplan (I think they call it a Boin 747?) suprized me a-cumin oer tha mountan. They shuldn't snek up on a feller lik that, U no! He had his flashin lites on, but yud thank he would-a ben luking out the winder mor, specully since it was so clody & snoey thet day. Wail, he finly seen me & tarned jus in the nik-a tim or thet dang fool wuld-a run all oer me!  I had a hard tim talkin to tha controler feller after that, cuz all them airline fellers starded cumin on talkin about sum idjut flyin VFR oer the ayrpot in solid IFR . But U no whut, I wuz rite thar, & I nevr evun seen that feller they wuz makin so much raket bout. Hek, I'd hate to-a ben that feller 2 cuz they wuz talkin tarible bout him. I thot they traned them airlin fellers bedder then thet!

But enyways, we finly landed on the gras runway asid tha big paved one wif all them big numers & marks on it ... cuz all them big ole jets wuz lined up on the litl paved part watin to use it. 1 of em wuz takin off, so I waved at em as we wuz landin. I wont U to no he throwed that thang in riverse & stomped them braks an tha tale stude way up & smok was a-porin up off them tares. I thot them tares wuz gona cum off thar an 1 em evun cawt on fare! I dont no whut cum oer thet feller all of a suden like, but it scart me to jus wach it happnin. I bet them pasungers wuznt rel happy bout him doin thet nether cuz sum balon slidin bords cum owt thet thang an peple wuz a-slidin down em like a nest a hornets wuz ater em.

Wail enyways, we taxied on up to that big ole hanger whar they got them tunel thangs huked up to them big Delter jets. Leroy wuz sort-a slumped down in his seat. I figered he wuz jus kachin a litl shut-i, but he luked sort-a gren ta me ... wif his han on his ches & his i's buged out. I cudn't wak him up, sos I holered at them nice ayrpot fellers & they cum a-runin up to halp Leroy. They mus-a no'ed sumbudy rel gud 2 cuz 1 of em diled this lil tiny telefon an sum uder fellers cum rel fast in this whit truk wif tha lites a-flashin an the syringe blaring and everthang. Them fellers wuz finly abl to wak Leroy up wif some O2 stuf, but he wuz bluberin sumthin bout that mountan top we almos run inta a-ways bak. So enyways, I figered sins he was OK, I'd jus slip off and mosy on oer to the eatin place for super. I kinda hate it tho cuz Leroy shor mised a rel gud super.

Wail, I hiched a ride wif this feller drivin a real nice 1947 Ford pickup truk oer to the eatin place & we talked for a gud whil bout his nu truk. Them staks was rel gud 2, but ya no they had dun run outa Pabst Blu Ribon beer, so I had to setle for a botle of Jim Beam to drank wif my stak. I hiched a ride wif anuther nice feller on his John Dear tracter bak out to the ayrpot. I'm glad he was a-drivin tu cuz all that Jim Beam had dun starded to wurk on me. Enyways, thar wuz sum kinda big comotion goin on up by the Asstik & I couldn't evun git up thar ta see whut was a-hapnin.

So, after awhil, I figered I bedder be gitin on hom as it wuz a-gitin nie dark, so I seen this nice J3 jus a-sitin thar & I nu I culd fly that thang. So, I figered hek, I'd borry it & brang it back the nex day, when they finisd doin whutever they was a-doin up by the Asstik. I's a litl wuried bout all that Jim Beam I drunk, but hek, I figered the sky is a lot biger than the road (wich I ben on lots a times ater drankin pa's corn squezins), so I shudn't hav no problum.  1 of them fanci ayrpot palice cars cum a-runin up asid me wif them blu buble gum machins a-flickin on top as I wuz a-tryin to tak off on the gras runway agin. I dint thank they was supozed to do thet out on the paved part nether, but shuks, I rekun they was jus tryin to giv me a propur sendoff.

Tha wethur wuz much beder goin bak. Tha fog & clods had dun clared up enuf that I culd see almos haf way down tha runway. I tuk off & it turnt nite tim on the way bak, but I cud see tha strem a cars rite belo on tha soper hiway ... it was lit up real gud. I mita suprized a cuple of em tho a litl bit cuz when I luked bak, I culd see sum a them hedlites goin ever wich a-way. I nu pa's howse was jus a hop & skip frum thet nu futball stadum whar they wuz a-havin that rel big fanci futball game thet nite. I nu cuzin Luke wud be oer thar, sos I flu down betwen them big ole pols wif all tha lites on em sos I culd see em gud. I culdnt spot cuzin Luke in all them peple tho evun on tha 2nd & 3rd pass, but evurbody wuz lukin up & pointin & wavin at me.

I finly fount pa's howse & nu I cud lan tha old J3 in the cow pastur in fron of pa's howse. Ya see, I had dun figered I mite be a-gitin bak lat & lef the porch lite on at pa's howse & tha 1 on down at tha barn tu. I nu that blak patch in betwen had to be the cow pastur. Purdy gud figerin, huh? But ya no whut, I plum furgot bout that nu sel towur they dun put up for them litl telefones, & I almos run inta that thang! They awt to be mor carful whar they put them dang thangs! A feller cud get serusly killed wif all them thangs aroun. Yud at les thank they wud make a map or sumthin to tell ya whar they wuz at. Shuks, as it wuz, I had to go betwen the towur & one of them guid wires, but bein the pilit I am ... no swet.

Wail enyways, I wana thank yall agin for a-cumin down to see me. Yall cum bak any time. I'll evun giv U sum a pa's fresh squezin's nex tim arown. I gess yall a-be sendin ma licens rel sun tu, cuz thet FAA feller sid he aint nevr sen nor hurd tale of no sech flyin as mine befo! I hope yall hury up tu, cuz that flite wuz so gud, I am thankin about takin anuther 1 down to Hotlanta sum tim rel sun. I figer yall no them Delter fellers rel gud 2, so id preciate it if yall wuld put in a gud werd fer me cuz thangs is gitin slow down at the stil & I hyar they is luking fer a fu gud pilits. I figer thet mite evun pay mor than hawlin squezins fer pa.

Bye yall & cum visit soon, ya hyar!

Your pal,
Bubba